It's my duty as a child of the early 2000s to let you know a Beyblade-inspired roguelike was released on Steam last month

The closest I ever came to ascending to godhood was on Christmas day in 2003. I was nine and a half years old, and I had been given a weapon. Beyblade was at the height of its popularity in my hometown, and I'd asked my parents for an imported Driger V2 from a website selling toys from overseas, because—as Pokémon cards had taught my generation—Japanese collectibles possess an inherently greater potency.

It was a sinister implement: a two-tiered engine of plastic-bladed violence. In its first match against my older brother's Beyblade...