VA benefits reduced to 9mm and bottle of bourbon

WASHINGTON — In an effort to cut costs and trim what he described as a bloated budget, Secretary of Veterans Affairs Doug Collins announced today that all VA benefits will be reduced to the issuance of a loaded 9mm pistol and a single bottle of bourbon.

“If there’s one thing vets love, it’s getting plastered,” Collins said in his official remarks. “The 9 mil is a nice bonus too — honestly very generous — since those suckers are pretty expensive.”

Collins noted that with a projected annual budget of nearly $370 billion...