Hovis’ Friday diary: ‘I am just too intimidating’

Dear diary,

Apologies for the lack of missive from me last week, but mother was returning from Do-bruv-nick, which I can only assume is some sort of prison for siblings? How long her and her brother spent in there I don’t know, but it meant I didn’t have a secretary, and as we have discussed, I am not trusted with a laptop on my own…

Anyways muchos to catch you up on.

I am sadly still waiting for my last minute Team GB call up and frankly, I have to face the tragic reality...